Tag Archives: job search

The unemployment rate is at 0%! Who wants to work?

You heard me right, the unemployment rate is at 0%! Nobody needs work, everyone is employed. This means there is no need for anybody to file an unemployment claim and everyone is happy because nobody is looking to improve their situation by looking for jobs paying more or jobs that have more benefits.

leonardo decaprio with champagne

Proof that the employment rate is at 0%

I have 3 different ads running, two on Craigslist and one on Linkedin. I have the ads in different categories as well. I have a catchy subject, detailed information about the position, benefits given and a wage about 33% higher than I have ever advertised for. I have had these three ads running for 2 weeks and I have had 0 applications. Zero, nada, zip. This proves that the unemployment rate is at 0%; nobody needs a job. If anyone needed a job, then I would be getting at least some inquiries about the job I am offering. Oh, I also forgot to mention that I have 2 jobs offered for two different departments in our company.

Snap, now I know why I don’t have any applications

Silly me, I just realized something. I am not offering a free gym membership, paid lunches everyday, unlimited time off, yoga sessions in the morning, wine and mingling time after work in our play area complete with ping pong tables, video games and a masseuse. I have also posted the hours you need to work which is only from 9-5 Monday through Friday with no weekends, but I know this is a lot to ask. It’s this non flexible schedule that is causing no one to apply. I have to have our phones answered for some stupid reason, thus I need actual people to answer them. Do you know that the Airbnb headquarters has an indoor tree house and part of a real PanAm passenger plane to play inside of? Alas, I couldn’t afford this perk. Unfortunately we don’t offer employee water slides either. Maybe I should offer some of the perks that Spotify offers. Spotify gives their employees 6 months of paid paternal leave and has egg freezing for their employees which by the way costs in excess of $10,000. I don’t know about you, but I want my free range eggs frozen. You never know when you will need those chicken eggs.

frozen egg

When will the unemployment rate go up?

I’m hoping that the unemployment rate will go up past 0% because we would really like to have some people join our team, but I realize that having to do actual work for a living is a hard choice over playing in an indoor tree-house and having a crying room should your politician of choice not be elected. Maybe I should change my help wanted ad to something like this:

Help Wanted – Work when you feel like it, get paid what you want

  • Flex hours – you tell us when you feel like working
  • Flex pay – you tell us what you want to be paid and we will double it. We pay via Paypal so that you can purchase items on Amazon while you work.
  • Work environment – If you don’t mind, we ask that you work in our state of the art tech center complete with snake slide, espresso bar and kegs on tap. (not to be enjoyed until after 12 each day)
  • Qualifications – The ability to use your cell phone to access such work related apps as Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat. The skill to issue grievances about your work environment and ability to convey how unfair corporate America is.
  • How to apply – Please apply online and include us in the 50 other companies that you are also mass applying to from your cell phone while you drink your soy latte at Starbucks. Please do not change the position that you are applying for with these 50 other companies so¬†when we see you applying for a web developer position with our company when our ad is clearly for a shipping clerk. That way, we will know that we have other companies to compete with.
    scrooge in bed (possibly crying about the unemployment rate)

Now that I have figured all of the reasons I have had no applicants, I can change my whole way of listing my ad. I will change my entire work environment, find an angel investor and come to that realization that I will keep the work environment dear in my heart and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the employees of my Past, the Present, and the Future. The touchy feelings of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that my employees teach!