The unemployment rate is at 0%! Who wants to work?

You heard me right, the unemployment rate is at 0%! Nobody needs work, everyone is employed. This means there is no need for anybody to file an unemployment claim and everyone is happy because nobody is looking to improve their situation by looking for jobs paying more or jobs that have more benefits.

leonardo decaprio with champagne

Proof that the employment rate is at 0%

I have 3 different ads running, two on Craigslist and one on Linkedin. I have the ads in different categories as well. I have a catchy subject, detailed information about the position, benefits given and a wage about 33% higher than I have ever advertised for. I have had these three ads running for 2 weeks and I have had 0 applications. Zero, nada, zip. This proves that the unemployment rate is at 0%; nobody needs a job. If anyone needed a job, then I would be getting at least some inquiries about the job I am offering. Oh, I also forgot to mention that I have 2 jobs offered for two different departments in our company.

Snap, now I know why I don’t have any applications

Silly me, I just realized something. I am not offering a free gym membership, paid lunches everyday, unlimited time off, yoga sessions in the morning, wine and mingling time after work in our play area complete with ping pong tables, video games and a masseuse. I have also posted the hours you need to work which is only from 9-5 Monday through Friday with no weekends, but I know this is a lot to ask. It’s this non flexible schedule that is causing no one to apply. I have to have our phones answered for some stupid reason, thus I need actual people to answer them. Do you know that the Airbnb headquarters has an indoor tree house and part of a real PanAm passenger plane to play inside of? Alas, I couldn’t afford this perk. Unfortunately we don’t offer employee water slides either. Maybe I should offer some of the perks that Spotify offers. Spotify gives their employees 6 months of paid paternal leave and has egg freezing for their employees which by the way costs in excess of $10,000. I don’t know about you, but I want my free range eggs frozen. You never know when you will need those chicken eggs.

frozen egg

When will the unemployment rate go up?

I’m hoping that the unemployment rate will go up past 0% because we would really like to have some people join our team, but I realize that having to do actual work for a living is a hard choice over playing in an indoor tree-house and having a crying room should your politician of choice not be elected. Maybe I should change my help wanted ad to something like this:

Help Wanted – Work when you feel like it, get paid what you want

  • Flex hours – you tell us when you feel like working
  • Flex pay – you tell us what you want to be paid and we will double it. We pay via Paypal so that you can purchase items on Amazon while you work.
  • Work environment – If you don’t mind, we ask that you work in our state of the art tech center complete with snake slide, espresso bar and kegs on tap. (not to be enjoyed until after 12 each day)
  • Qualifications – The ability to use your cell phone to access such work related apps as Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat. The skill to issue grievances about your work environment and ability to convey how unfair corporate America is.
  • How to apply – Please apply online and include us in the 50 other companies that you are also mass applying to from your cell phone while you drink your soy latte at Starbucks. Please do not change the position that you are applying for with these 50 other companies so when we see you applying for a web developer position with our company when our ad is clearly for a shipping clerk. That way, we will know that we have other companies to compete with.
    scrooge in bed (possibly crying about the unemployment rate)

Now that I have figured all of the reasons I have had no applicants, I can change my whole way of listing my ad. I will change my entire work environment, find an angel investor and come to that realization that I will keep the work environment dear in my heart and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the employees of my Past, the Present, and the Future. The touchy feelings of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that my employees teach!

30 thoughts on “The unemployment rate is at 0%! Who wants to work?”

  1. The people who work at Spotify and Airbnb are valuable, skilled candidates (which alot of the workforce is not), and tech companies give all of these things to attract these sought after candidates. Most DO work 9-5 Monday-Friday (oftentimes much more than that), and good employees don’t abuse the perks / policies.

    This whole thing read a little bit like a long, sarcastic, complaint without considering the facts. It’s easy to place blame on outside factors, but 0% unemployment and companies treating their employees increasingly better is a trend I’d like to see continue.

    1. Just to add to my previous comment, I don’t mean to offend. It’s way more interesting and productive looking for solutions, and getting creative to find new ways to adapt and evolve to change. 🙂

      1. I didn’t mean to offend. I’m frustrated that I can’t offer these type of perks and lack of responses to our ads. I was simply using hyperbole as a writing tool.

  2. Dear I do partially agree with you but I also agree with Allison in this point, ” It’s easy to place blame on outside factors, but 0% unemployment and companies.”

    1. In areas of the West Coast where people are used to getting these perks, then it is just accepted. If you are in the top of your field, you should get these perks. In my neck of the woods, we don’t have a lot of tech jobs and this isn’t seen as much. We are all so connected in the world now, it’s easy to see Google employees and all of their perks, but getting a job with Google is not easy and if you do get a job with them, then you are probably top tier talent.

  3. Seems like a lot of the top potential employees want good benefits, and I don’t see anything wrong with that, they’ve earned their way to the top. I do, however, see the problem with the average applicant expecting these perks, which is what I think you’re getting at here. Hopefully someone will come back down to reality soon and apply.

    1. I totally agree that top talent deserves top pay and perks. It’s just those people that are entry level that want top pay for no experience as well as the perks. That’s my main issue.

  4. I’m guilty of working for a company that offers *some* of these perks but hey, we don’t have a pingpong table! 🙂 Seriously, it’s the reality though…to attract talent (and especially the younger generation), I see our company come up with perks that would have been considered ridiculous back in the day (we have a masseuse come over regularly, no kidding).

    1. I’m rather old school, so I look at things differently. I never thought I would be called old school, but hey, I’m no spring chicken. For a small company, I feel that we offer a good amount of perks for where we are located and our type of employee.

  5. As sad as this sounds, in India, the conditions people agree to work under is ridiculous & so is the pay they agree to work for. Any application here is guaranteed to get you a bombardment of applicants !

    1. I visited India 2 years ago. We were in Mumbai and Chenai. I saw the conditions that people lived in. We visited small villages. We installed Bore wells for clean drinking water. In the United States, it is unfortunate that we have so much when so many people in the world have so little.

  6. This is how the world works today. At one side, we have skilled people with no jobs or jobs with inhuman conditions and on the other side, we have potential employers like you with no response to your ad. Its confusing, saddening and sometimes , utterly frustrating.

  7. I’d sooner work multiple part-time jobs than be out of work. It is hard to understand people passing up good work opportunities like this.

  8. I am on team “do what makes you happy” I am sure there will be replies to your post at some point, there is always someone looking for work.

  9. Some exaggerated statements not meant to be taken literally. This is sad but true. Thanks for sharing ♥️ ♥️ By any chance you are interested on doing collaborations, you can check out the collaborations portal of and connect with amazing brands!


  10. well good luck on your journey to find people to apply! I can’t take on anymore jobs than I have right now… it’s crazy to think 0%, don’t believe I’ve ever witnessed this before ; )

    1. I know that we don’t have 0% unemployment, but it seems like it. I’ve never had this hard of a time finding people. Starting to use more creative ways to attract talent.

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